Three years ago around this time I was praying on a mountain in Italy. I was there on a pilgrimage there with my family, hoping to find new direction and inspiration in life. While I was ambling about in prayer, I was struck by a vision that was unlike any spiritual experience I have ever had.

In my mind’s eye, I saw, in incredible detail, a wedding- a wedding between myself and a girl who had long ago told me that she had no interest in dating me.

It confused me deeply. I had never been the sort to put stock into prayer “visions,” but this experience was deeply spiritual. It was so real and detailed that I can still remember the feeling of her satin dress.

I had no idea what to make of it. Frustrated with God, I hiked down that mountain that afternoon, huffing and sweating and asking Him why the heck I should be given such a confusing vision. I don’t even believe in these, I said. I have spent a year getting over this girl and then this? It was just a general vision about marriage, I told myself. My subconscious just put her face in there I thought.

I flew back to Dallas feeling less enlightened than I had before I took the pilgrimage to Italy.  I arrived at my house beyond jet-lagged; I walked into my room, dropped my duffle bag on the floor, and face-planted into my bed.

A couple nights later, still groggy from the travel, I received a call from aforementioned vision girl, totally out of the blue. She said she wanted to give us a try.

And so I embarked on a love journey that was so epic that it put Nicholas Sparks to shame.  I felt like God was just telling me to trust him, and continued to push me forward into it, blessing us every step of the way.  And then, as engagement was just around the corner, we ran into foundational problems, and we broke up.

I was completely unprepared for the darkness that came after. The loss was so absolute, so devastatingly complete. I felt haunted- my clothes smelled of her perfume, my phone reminded me that there would never be another text from her, even in my restless nights, she entered my dreams unbiddenly. What happens when we feel God leads us towards a dream, building up our hopes to ride like a ship on the crest of a wave only to then be dashed against the rocks?

I know that some of the readers of this blog will have experienced great grief; the loss of a lover, of a close family member, of a child or best friend. These are veterans of grief, and perhaps these things would seem almost basic to them, but to me, it was beyond understanding.

To say that I was angry with God would have trivialized how I felt. I felt tricked, like a total fool, and worse, every time I tried to pray or ask God why this all happened, all I heard was silence. The answer that seemed most obvious to me was that God wasn’t real.

It took me years to find ground to stand on with my faith, but when I did, I found it on Good Friday.

The best man to ever live was wheezing for breath. Beaten to a bloody, pitiful mess, he pulled up on the nails that tore his flesh and caught another breath only to fall limply back down again against the rugged wood. His friends had deserted him, only his mother braved the ridicule to stand by his side. His ministry had failed. The people he had given his life called for his death, and now it was here, like a sickly nightmare. His stomach turned with fear. He cried out to God, but heard nothing. In desperation he screamed out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me!” And again, there was no response. Then, resigning himself to faith, He groaned, “Into your hands, I commend my spirit.” He commended his Spirit into hands by which he felt forsaken.

When I could feel nothing from God, my sole comfort came from knowing that Jesus understood. He knew what it was like to lose everything- even the voice of God. He knew what it was like to struggle against the horrifying doubt that tells us that our pain is not worth anything, that it is pointless, that God isn’t there or He doesn’t care or He isn’t going to save us.

I found in Him a hero that showed me how to do what I couldn’t do on my own- to say again to God, “into Your hands I commend my spirit.” The most healing response that any of us can have to our grief or doubt is exactly this; to open our clenched fists, and to say in the words of Christ, I entrust myself to you.

Holy Saturday is the day that God was dead.  Even in the Church’s tradition, it occupies this strange in-between time when there is no more Lent, but it isn’t time to celebrate. On the first Holy Saturday, however, it was just the day after God died, and there wasn’t any painting of Easter eggs. It wasn’t a waiting game with a calendar ending. It was a time when no one knew what to do, or what would happen next, or if anything would happen at all. But what happened next was the Resurrection.

Those hands by which Christ felt forsaken proved to be faithful. They raised Him up from death to new life. I’ve seen in the last few years how faithful God truly is. He still hasn’t answered all of my questions, but he has poured out gifts upon me so abundantly that I almost weep to write. He has given me new purpose, and surrounded me with people who love me. I am not healed completely, and I still don’t understand, but I can say this: God is faithful, even when it seems like you’ve been forsaken.

One of the things that you don’t understand about deep grief until you have felt it is that it feels never ending.  Morning after morning you wake up with this gnawing hole inside of you that absolutely nothing can fill, and no matter what you do, you can’t feel better, you can’t change it, and you can’t escape it.  I can imagine that the disciples may have felt that on Holy Saturday, the feeling of eternal devastation and disillusionment, that the purposelessness and fear would go on forever. They had no way to know what God was doing, what he had in store. This is the truth I’ve learned in my grief: when it feels that God has forsaken you, don’t give up. The story is not over yet.

Anthony D’Ambrosio is one of the twin members of the Crossroads Pursuit, a band that is dedicated to writing artistic and honest worship music. They released the part 1 of their epic Triduum music video series yesterday, take a gander here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlVQxpgify4 . Anthony is also a writer for Crossroads Initiative, a ministry devoted to helping contemporary culture intersect with the ancient wisdom of Christ and his followers. Find more of his writing here.

Love uCATHOLIC?
Get our inspiring content delivered to your inbox every morning - FREE!

1 COMMENT

  1. So happy you found peace, and yes giving ALL to GOD is not easy but I have found the Lord never gives up on me, it is I that gives up on GOD. GOD BLESS YOU, TRUST IN THE FATHER OF US ALL. HAPPY EASTER! ALLELUIA ALLELUIA HE IS RISEN! AMEN.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here